Friday, June 19, 2009

12:00 am.

You cannot sleep , which is surprising , since you're usually a sound sleeper. You wake up and you go to your balcony. The road , the same road which hosted a variety of noises , movements and activity in the morning , is cold and quiet now. It is still under the dim light of the street lamps. It waits with bated breath for something to happen. But you know the truth. Nothing will happen until the break of dawn. The road will be silent , the road will wait. Nothing will happen now...nothing else matters.

But you feel sorry for it. You know that what's worse than hope , is disappointment. The day has taught you many important lessons and there is no better time than the night to revisit them. Thus you put on your shoes and you plug in the earphones. Your phone's fully charged. And so are you. You get out.

"I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone(1)"

The song fades away. Everything does , after a stage. Even the 'we push the envelope' Metallica songs. 10 minutes of energy and it fades away...

"Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free...(2)"

Depressing songs do not go well with you right now. It's easy to be depressed when everything's gay around you. scares you. You shuffle through the songs , ignoring Hallowed be thy name (doesn't sound very right...) , The Unforgiven (too long) and raining blood (inappropriate). You settle on something which you think will cheer you up

"I drive these brothers crazy,
I do it on the daily,
They treat me really nicely,
They buy me all these ices.
Dolce & Gabbana,
Fendi and NaDonna
Karan, they be sharin'
All their money got me wearin' fly
Brother I ain't askin,
They say they love my ass ‘n,
Seven Jeans, True Religion's,
I say no, but they keep givin'
So I keep on takin'
And no I ain't taken
We can keep on datin'
I keep on demonstrating...(3)"

But Fergie's misguided opinion on love disgusts you , for you're quite the purist when you choose to be. Love is everything and lust is not even worth discussing. Love happens once , Love is forever , Love...improves your life. And not just your hand-bag collection.
Feeling slightly sick , you change to a song which you hope ,would reassure you that your weird notions of romance do find approval somewhere...

“Girl, it's been a long time that we've been apart
Much too long for a man who needs love
I miss you since I've been away
Babe, it wasn't easy to leave you alone
It's getting harder each time that I go
If I had the choice, I would stay

There's no one like you
I can't wait for the nights with you
I imagine the things we'll do
I just wanna be loved by you..(4)”

And then , with horror , you realise that your favourite song and what you considered as the epitome of true love , is not really what you think it's all about. It makes your heart sink , makes you want to give up on your fangled notions , makes you feel all the more alone for noone else , let alone Klaus meine , and the chill of the night makes it worse...

"Black night is not right,
I dont feel so bright,
I dont care to sit tight.
Maybe Ill find on the way down the line
That Im free, free to be me.
Black night is a long way from home..(5)"

And then , you smile cynically , realising how true the lyrics are. Home is far behind and you have no idea where you're heading to. You haven't seen these roads before , these houses , these closed shops , did they pop out during the night and fade away during the day?
You're glad that the street lights are on. Despite all your bravado , you're scared. And you're grateful for that small consolation - that the lights are still on , which means someone installed lamps on the street you're walking in , and which means that someone knows the street you're walking on. Probably that someone is fast asleep , probably he isn't. Your innate sexism amuses you - humour never seemed more appealing than when you're alone.

"Now, what do you own the world?
How do you own disorder, disorder?
Now somewhere between the sacred silence
Sacred silence and sleep
Somewhere, between the sacred silence and sleep
Disorder, disorder, disorder

More wood for the fires, loud neighbors
Flashlight reveries caught in the headlights of a truck
Eating seeds as a pastime activity
The toxicity of our city, of our city (6)"

Dopey songs remind you of another famous song , the meaning of whose lyrics still remain a mystery. Some claim it's about love and love lost , and some say that it's about drugs. But you don't care really. All that matters to you , is the song , despite it's annoying refrain. And the voice , that heavenly voice…

"Theres a lady whos sure
All that glitters is gold
And shes buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows
If the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and shes buying a stairway to heaven"

"And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.(7) "

You are now getting bored for all this while , you've just been walking and listening to songs , poignant nevertheless , but not what you'd call fun. But since you aren't one of those who believe in absolute refinement in anything , let alone music tastes , you decide to settle for something which you'd disapprove on the outside , but secretly enjoy on the inside.

"You spin my head right round, right round
When you go down, when you go down down
You spin my head right round, right round
When you go down, when you go down down
From the top of the pole I watch her go [down]
She got me throwin my money [around
Ain’t nothin more beautiful to be [found]
It’s goin down down
From the top of the pole I watch her go [down]
She got me throwin my money a[round]
Ain’t nothin more beautiful to be [found]
It’s goin down down
I’m spendin my money
I’m out of control
Somebody help me
She’s takin my bank roll.
But I’m king of the club
And I’m wearin the crown
Poppin these bottles
Touching these models
Watchin they a**es go down down
down down, down down...(8)"

…And you spin and spin and dance like no-one's watching you , for no-one is , and dance away everything you wanted to , but couldn't do during the day. You open up during the night , the night is your true self , for it lets you do what the day bars you spin and spin..and you fall down.

You are dazed , for that has never happened to you , since you were 6 , anyway. But you collect yourself and get up , rather gingerly , but determined. You must not let your mask slip. Dance is for those who can dance , and is surely not for you. Why , if anyone saw that , what would they think? Oh no. You must keep your emotions within you and within your headphones. Only in your mind will you dance , you sing , you laugh , you joke , and you love...

" My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone......(9)"

NB – (1) and (9) Boulevard of Broken Dreams (Greenday)

(2) Fade to Black (Metallica)

(3) My Humps (Black Eyed Peas)

(4) No One like you (Scorpions)

(5) Black Knight (Deep Purple)

(6) Toxicity (System of a Down)

(7) Stairway to Heaven (Led Zeppelin)

(8) Right Round (Flo Rida)