Thursday, January 21, 2010


It's been four months and a new year since my last post , and so I'm back , armed with a broom to dust away the cobwebs lurking at the corners of my blog. As I tighten the scarf around my face and flex my non existent muscles with greater vigour , I hope I'll never let a thin layer of brown powder outline this unattended blog again. But then , I keep making promises , keep making resolutions and keep hoping till I lose count of all the things I wish for or dream maybe one day , when I'm 80 and I've lost more teeth than I (or the tooth fairy) can keep track of, they'd all come true. And it'll matter no more.

I'd love to begin this post with a very promising opener like "I've been listening to a lot of John Mayer recently" or "I've been reading a lot of Vikram Seth recently". But the truth is , all I've been doing recently is study for my board exams and study even more , and since Fayol's Principles of Management hardly make interesting blogging , I shall not even try.

As you might have guessed , I am feeling very morbid and gloomy. (I know they mean the same thing , but I simply cannot conclude a sentence without using two adjectives in it.) I dont know why , I just do. There's so much I gotta do , so much I want , dream , no , crave for , that I don't just know when they'll start happening. I just feel like I'm in a dark dark smelly tunnel groping my way through , images of all that I want flashing through. Sigh. I hope the ground would break open and I am transported to the world under. I could start a new life there.
And worst , worst , the feelings of inadequacy. The feeling of will that ever happen to me? why havent I got it before? why , how , why...?...questions filling my head like a hot , angry , ceaseless fire. Threatening to burst out in all royal glory.

Sometimes I wish I could just run away. To a green green meadow where birds chirp and I can feel the sun's pleasant warmth on my skin. Where a waterfall roars nearbly , but the roar is muffled by the peace and happiness surrounding me. Where I can lie on the soft green grass , look up the clear blue sky and say , there's nothing I need to worry about. There's no negativity clouding my mind , no doubts , no comparisions , no unhappiness. Just me , the birds , the cows and the water. But well , I'm stuck in my room , my claustrophobic mind threatening to eat me up.

Sigh. Maybe I just need to bide my time. Wait and wait in patience , wait without hoping , wait without dreading. And I will. Wait...